


uneventful youth

by jaehwan



Category: DBSK | Tohoshinki | TVfXQ | TVXQ
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-21
Updated: 2013-12-21
Packaged: 2018-01-05 09:53:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,824
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1092511
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaehwan/pseuds/jaehwan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>changmin doesn't want yunho, except that he sort of does. (high school au)</p>
            </blockquote>





	uneventful youth

**Author's Note:**

> warnings: (mostly) internalized homophobia, heavy themes of anxiety and depression, one instance of drug use (weed)
> 
> HOMIN HIGH SCHOOL AU. WOW. this one was a fun one! got it out in 3 days which is like, record breaking for me. if you're wondering about the lack of capitalization, i did it to rly to set the tone of the fic if that makes sense? anyways, big BIG thanks to steph for helping me out and showing me tvxq in the first place, thanks to sofia and sara for editing this for me, thanks to sam for encouraging me and reading the first little parts of it. sam, i hope you enjoy the full fic! also thanks to sarah, who i just met a couple of days ago but literally handed me the most important part of this fic. thanks to all of tlist for being around to answer my dumb question about who in dbsk is the biggest pothead. love u all. title from no hope by the vaccines. ok okOKay this was way too long. onward!

.

 

“relax. deep breaths,” changmin says to himself as he stands in front of the door to his new math class. after getting a perfect score on his diagnostic test in sophomore math, the administration at his school decided to move him to a senior class. his hands are sweaty and shaky, and he’s already chewed his nails down as far as he could without drawing blood, leaving him with no sense of security.  
  
he walks into his new math class and feels like hell.  
  
the entire room of seniors turn to look at the small, shivering changmin who shyly explains to the teacher that he’s a new student.  
  
"shim changmin, sophomore?"  
  
changmin nods and wants the ground to swallow him whole.  
  
"take any seat you'd like," the teacher says, as if it wasn't the last thing changmin wanted to hear, the only thing echoing through his mind as he sees every student in the room fix him with a judgmental gaze.  
  
there's an empty table in the corner of the room and changmin takes the seat furthest from his classmates. he takes a deep, shuddering breath.  
  
as the class is beginning, a pair of loud, laughing seniors walk into the classroom. the teacher doesn’t even bat an eye at their late entrance, only smiles a bit and says to one of them, “kind of you to join us, yunho.”  
  
one of the taller guys giggles charmingly and replies, "always a pleasure, sir," before going straight towards where changmin is sitting.  
  
changmin stutters out an apology. there is no way he's about to get on the bad side of a senior who apparently holds enough power to come into class late and not get into trouble for it. one of the taller guys takes the chair next to him.  
  
he goes to get up, until he stops changmin, "it's fine," he laughs. "i'm yunho, are you new?"  
  
"something like that," changmin mutters. he grasps yunho's hand in his. "i'm changmin."  
  
yunho smiles, bright and unguarded, and spends the whole period tapping his foot animatedly, like he’s a kid with too much energy and not enough ways to release it. it would normally annoy changmin to no end, but he can’t make himself be angry with yunho. he thinks it might have something to do with the way yunho winks at him as he puts his things back in his backpack, or the way yunho waves a bit before he’s out the door.  
  
either way, changmin finds he doesn’t dislike yunho at all.  
  
  
.  
  
  
changmin quickly learns that having yunho sitting next to him in math class and running beside him in p.e. is a blessing.  
  
everybody knows him and loves him, and getting attention from somebody as popular as yunho makes changmin feel—well, it makes him feel good. really good. yunho makes changmin feel great, actually. he likes that yunho smiles at him all the time and laughs at everything he says, even when it’s not a joke. he’s always asking questions about him as if he’s genuinely fascinated by every aspect of changmin, and changmin begins wondering if it’s not an act at all, if he’s sincerely that interested in everyone’s life.  
  
“say, how old are you, changmin?” yunho asks as changmin tries to explain a complicated equation to him.  
  
“sixteen, yunho, please pay attention to the math for a second.”  
  
a second of silence passes.  
  
“changmin, you’re a baby!” yunho pinches changmin’s cheeks raw, and changmin feels himself turn red, convinces himself it’s because he’s angry at yunho for treating him like he’s more than two years younger than him.  
  
“if i say to pay attention for a second, it doesn’t mean a literal second,” yunho is still pinching his cheeks, “and stop that!”  
  
yunho whispers “cute” and focuses on changmin’s paper.  
  
  
.  
  
  
after a month of changmin teaching every lesson to yunho during class, changmin gives in and exchanges numbers with him.  
  
“i’m not your tutor because you aren’t paying me. i’m your friend and i can’t promise anything,” yunho is smiling at changmin like he’s the only person in the world and it’s making changmin uncomfortable, but also confusedly happy.  
  
“is wednesday at 5 okay with you?”  
  
changmin returns yunho’s warm smile with one he hopes looks as welcoming, “sounds perfect.”

 

.

 

he ends up telling his best friend, kyuhyun, about yunho.  
  
“of course i know who yunho is, everybody is like, in love with him,” he leans closer to the television, where there’s an intense game of mario kart going on. “seriously, i’m pretty sure even half the faculty is wrapped around his finger.”  
  
changmin nods in agreement even though kyuhyun is looking nowhere near him, “well he sits next to me in math class, he’s a nice guy.”  
  
kyuhyun pauses the game and turns to him. he doesn’t know what he said wrong to make kyuhyun look at him like he’s trying to hold back from saying something he shouldn’t.  
  
“what?” changmin says.  
  
“are _you_ one of the many people who are in love with yunho?”  
  
changmin stutters out protests, “i don’t even know why you would suggest that i feel like that about yunho, i don’t know what would ever make you _think_ —”  
  
“you’re blushing pretty hard right now, changmin,” kyuhyun smiles knowingly, which doesn’t make any sense to changmin because there’s nothing to know in the first place.  
  
“the sun has been hitting me hard these past couple of days, okay? it’s just a sunburn, get over yourself you—you strange, you strange person,” changmin reaches over and unpauses the game, gets to work on passing kyuhyun angrily.  
  
it’s silent for a moment, until he hears kyuhyun say “all i’m saying is, your eyes light up a little when you say his name. that’s all i’m saying,” which makes changmin drive down into space, with the rainbow road theme playing sadly in the background. kyuhyun laughs unabashedly.

 

.

 

later that same afternoon, changmin is in his bathroom studying his reflection as he says yunho’s name.  
  
“yunho,” he says, and he can’t fight back a small smile and catches a glint in his eyes.  
  
he doesn’t tell kyuhyun.

 

.

 

“math is so _hard_ , changmin,” yunho whines. they’ve been studying for about an hour and a half, sprawled out on changmin’s bed with a notebook and the math textbook.  
  
“that’s not my problem,” changmin sighs. yunho laughs loudly and ruffles changmin’s hair, turns on his back to stare at the ceiling.  
  
changmin feels vaguely nervous, doesn’t know what yunho will do or wants to do or anything. yunho isn’t entirely unpredictable, but changmin can never be too sure. he watches yunho lick his lips and stretch on the bed, looking calm and good-looking and everything changmin feels like he’s not.  
  
he tries to push away his stress and settle down on his back next to yunho, except he’s sitting on the edge of the bed so as to not touch any part of him, and he falls off the bed.  
  
changmin honestly, seriously, feels his entire stomach drop to his feet because he’s so embarrassed. that is until he hears yunho’s laughter, the loudest he’s ever heard it, and he thinks he might cry out of happiness.  
  
it’s not that he likes yunho, but he glances at him and sees him on his back, clutching his stomach and wiping at his eyes and feels a constricting in his chest that makes him warm and confused, and he wants to reach over and brush yunho’s hair out of his eyes or something equally strange.  
  
he gets up and smiles weakly at yunho. he hopes his thoughts don’t show in his eyes, because he wouldn’t be able to stand it if anybody knew that part of him wanted to touch yunho, maybe wanted yunho to touch him.  
  
after that, they spend the rest of the afternoon eating pizza and playing video games until yunho’s mom calls him and he has to go home.  
  
“this was fun, changmin, and educational too,” he nudges changmin a bit.  
  
he and yunho are almost to the door, and changmin is about to mentally congratulate himself for not doing anything embarrassing. there’s about thirty seconds left until yunho leaves, and there isn’t much he can do in that time anyways.  
  
“you’re always welcome for some learning at my house,” changmin replies, and his voice only cracks once, “or anything else you want to do.”  
  
yunho cracks a grin, “anything at all?” he looks delighted and sincere, and absolutely breathtaking to changmin, “i’ll keep that in mind.”  
  
he’s out the door before changmin can reply.

 

.

 

changmin cannot sleep that night.  
  
he tries, again and again, even resorts to drinking warm milk and doing jumping jacks but he _cannot sleep_.  
  
he doesn’t know why. well, he does.  
  
he’d initially paid no thought to what yunho said, but there was a gnawing in the back of his head wondering what yunho had meant. he didn’t know if yunho was being friendly, or flirty, or courteous, or anything. and no matter what he did, changmin can’t stop thinking about it. when he considers the possibility of yunho saying it out of flirting, he just gets short of breath and uncomfortably hot for absolutely no reason at all.  
  
it’s 3 o'clock in the morning, and changmin is tired.  
  
shutting off the lights, he gets into bed for what feels like the hundredth time and closes his eyes. all he can imagine is yunho, and yunho’s laughter, and yunho’s mouth, and maybe yunho’s mouth on _his_.  
  
changmin groans aloud. he starts thinking of the cute girl in his science class, with long hair and a slim waist, who always asks changmin for a pen. he’s always loved girls, loved how soft and kind they are. strangely enough, yunho reminds him of a girl in those aspects.  
  
“stop thinking about yunho,” he whispers to himself as he pushes his pajama pants down.  
  
the thing is, though, that as soon as his hand wraps around his cock, all he can think about is yunho. yunho’s hand on his whenever he takes changmin’s pencil from him during math class, the way that yunho winks at him, the look on yunho’s face when he said goodbye earlier that day. suddenly, frighteningly, every thought in his mind is about yunho.  
  
he comes faster than he ever has, just thinking about yunho and how undeniably hot he is, and how much he adores the attention he gets from him, how much of a liar he is for ever thinking he doesn’t see him _like that_.  
  
looking at the ceiling, changmin can’t do anything but cry. he hates himself, so much, he hates what he’s done and he hates that he let it happen. it’s only after he wipes the come off on his sheets, rearranges his pants, and releases his final sob into a pillow that he sleeps soundly.

 

.  
  
  
having yunho is in his p.e. class turns out to be sort of a nightmare following that night.  
  
he stretches right in front of changmin and all it makes changmin want to do is step to where he’s bent over and—  
  
it causes him physical distress to look away from yunho for the entirety of the hour.  
  
even making effort, he catches himself drifting back to stare at yunho, gazing longingly at a bead of sweat that runs down his neck into his shirt. at one point, yunho jumps in a way that has changmin’s eyes raking down his exposed abdomen, and changmin has run to the bathroom with a lame excuse to the teacher.  
  
changmin is sitting in the bathroom stall, trying to scratch his eyes out with the panic of his body’s reaction.  
  
“stop stop stop _stop_ ,” he whispers to the bulge in his gym shorts. his eyes start watering and he feels like an idiot for everything, thinking yunho’s attractive and attempting to halt the thought in its tracks when it’s already wrapped itself around his brain and gotten comfortable. it’s as if his whole world is collapsing because of one boy, a boy he’s barely known for a month.  
  
he takes deep breaths, has to cradle his knees while chanting, “you’re okay, changmin,” and even then it’s a couple of minutes before he relaxes enough to walk outside again.  
  
when he does, yunho looks at him worriedly and his heart clenches. he smiles wearily.

 

.

 

the next day in math, yunho rubs at changmin’s shoulder and asks if he’s okay.  
  
“you seemed off yesterday,” he explains.  
  
changmin shrugs. “i’m always off,” he states, “at least that’s what everyone tells me.”  
  
“well i won’t have it,” yunho smiles so warmly it makes changmin wants to kick himself, “don’t you worry, changmin, i’ll be sure to turn you on.”  
  
if yunho notices the double entendre, he doesn’t mention it. changmin, however, lasts at least twenty minutes of class attempting to will away his arousal.  
  
when he has finally lulled himself into a state of general calmness, yunho leans over to him and says near his ear, “i meant it like that,” low and hot and changmin can’t breathe anymore. there’s too much air and not enough all at once. he rushes out the door with a harsh exclamation of “bathroom!”  
  
yunho follows him out.  
  
“are you even allowed to do that? leave when there’s already a student out?” changmin says frantically. his hands are shaking by his sides and he wishes desperately that yunho won’t see.  
  
yunho looks surprisingly embarrassed about it, “i’m sorry about what i said.”  
  
“what, you’re—why are you sorry about it?”  
  
“it made you uncomfortable, didn’t it? it’s not what you want, and i’m sorry.”  
  
changmin feels his face getting warmer. it’s not as if he wants yunho, but it’s not as if he doesn’t, and he’s tired and confused and yunho is stepping closer.  
  
“changmin,” his voice sounds deeper than usual, “is it what you want?”  
  
yunho is so close now that changmin can smell him, and he smells like sunflowers and cologne and honest to god _happiness_ and that’s what makes changmin snap.  
  
he kisses him hard even though he has no idea what he’s doing at all, doesn’t know if he ever wants to be a guy who knows how to kiss other guys. yunho makes a surprised noise and grabs changmin by the waist gently, too gently, so changmin bites his bottom lip hard enough to hurt.  
  
“what’s your problem, changmin?” yunho whispers as he maneuvers changmin to the nearest wall, “why are you being so aggressive?”  
  
changmin snaps his hips against yunho’s and groans, “i’m _mad_ , yunho, i’m fucking _mad_ at you and how hot you are, and—god, i don’t even know what i’m saying, kiss me again.”  
  
yunho looks completely confounded, so changmin crouches down the couple of inches he’s got on yunho and kisses him just as harshly. his lips glide against changmin’s with a slick noise, and changmin feels bile in his throat rise out of anxiety but he shoves it down with a sure and solid kiss back. yunho is everywhere, suddenly, running his hands over changmin and licking into his mouth and invading changmin’s personal space since about two minutes ago.  
  
“come on, just—i don’t know yunho, i don’t know,” changmin whimpers. it makes him feel stupid, he feels weak and like he’s about to cry but yunho starts unbuttoning his pants and he doesn’t particularly care about anything else.  
  
except, looking around, he realizes that they’re in the middle of a school hallway, a fucking school hallway in public. changmin’s heart starts racing for reasons besides yunho’s hand palming at his dick.  
  
“we’re in public, we’re, yunho anyone could _see us_.”  
  
“it’s okay,” yunho mouths against changmin’s neck, “relax.”  
  
changmin wants to scream at yunho, because he’s been trying to relax for sixteen years of his life now; he will never stop trying to relax, is sick of getting told to do so when it never works.  
  
a surge of anger rushes through him, and changmin wants to relax just to spite yunho in some way, or maybe yunho is the one who might get him to relax for once.  
  
“ _you_ relax,” changmin retaliates. it’s hard with the way yunho is sucking more intensely, lowering to his collarbones, and reaching into his briefs. his hand is hot and cold at the same time, too rough, but changmin moans anyways because he’s never been touched by anyone besides himself, and for yunho to be the one who’s touching him, well. he never stood a chance.  
  
yunho doesn’t try for technique at all, they don’t have the time, he’s just moving his hand as fast as possible and it honestly burns. he grips yunho’s wrist and pulls his hand up, licks across it rapidly. once yunho’s hand is slicked with changmin’s saliva (which is disgusting, he notes), he sticks it back down his pants.  
  
“god, that was so hot,” yunho groans. changmin doesn’t think so at all, but he refrains from arguing.  
  
there’s no sound in the hallway except for changmin’s whimpers and the sound of yunho’s hand on him. it’s simultaneously the greatest and most petrifying thing changmin has ever experienced in his life. he won’t last long, and he knows it, yunho probably does too because he starts grinding into changmin’s thigh and whispering in his ear.  
  
“come on, changmin, let go for once,” he whispers, “you don’t want the bell to ring and all the students to come out, to see you like this, do you? for our math teacher to come looking for us, find me with a hand on your dick and you moaning so loud the whole school can hear? come for me, changmin. right now.”  
  
he grabs changmin by the hair and pulls him down, kisses him loudly. changmin can’t do anything but moan, he moans and moans and doesn’t care who hears him because he’s so close he can feel it.  
  
“yes changmin, you’re so hot,” and changmin can feel yunho’s dick against his leg and he starts grinding his thigh up in the rhythm of yunho’s hand.  
  
his orgasm hits him out of nowhere, halfway through one of yunho’s particularly rough strokes. he comes all over yunho’s hand and some even gets on his shirt, and all he can think is that he’ll never be able to walk in this hallway without blushing ever again.  
  
it takes a couple of thrusts before yunho’s pace falters and he grunts into changmin’s mouth gruffly.  
  
changmin finds, ridiculously, that he’s more calm than ever before. yunho puts his hand to changmin’s mouth with dark eyes. while changmin licks his own come off of yunho’s hand, yunho talks to him.  
  
“so i was talking to our teacher and you know my grade has gone up one whole letter? funny, that. i wonder what made my grade come up.”  
  
changmin laughs into his hand.  
  
yunho gets quiet, strokes changmin’s face with his clean hand. “i like seeing you like this, changmin. i don’t understand why you’re so wound up all the time, when you’re so lovely when you’re calm.”  
  
still caught in a post-orgasm haze, changmin shrugs. the comment makes him shift into reality a bit faster than he’d intended, and he finds his body clenching with a familiar feeling of unwelcome stress. he can’t believe he just let yunho give him a handjob in public oh my _god_ there are security cameras in the school everyone is going to know everyone everyone _everyone_ —  
  
“hey, you okay?” and there’s yunho, spectacular and handsome, but the cause of all of this in the first place.  
  
“am i—no, i don’t think so, i, i don’t know anymore yunho,” he walks away as quickly as he can, and there’s a weight settling on his chest that he wishes would go away for once.  
  
  
.

 

when he gets home that afternoon, he looks himself in the mirror and tries to say out loud, “a male has touched your penis. yunho touched your penis. and you liked it. you liked it a lot and you want it to happen again.”  
  
all that manages to come out is, “i’m so scared of everything.”

 

.

 

it’s the weekend then, luckily, so changmin finds another three nights of nothing but his dark, terrifying thoughts and some not-so-terrifying thoughts that only come out late at night when he’s in his bed.  
  
in a tragic way, he misses yunho.  
  
he knows any other time he could simply call him up and hang out, but now he doesn’t know if they can be friends ever since that happened, if they could be friends but not fool around even though changmin wants _so badly_ to do so. he wants to, but at the same time he doesn’t, so he’s caught between calling yunho and telling him to come over do what he had done before or not doing anything at all. maybe calling yunho and pretending nothing happened, although that’s not really an option.  
  
he ends up calling yunho anyways, saturday night.  
  
“changmin?” yunho’s voice all of a sudden sounds so attractive to changmin, now that he knows what it sounds like against his lips and running down his neck.  
  
"hi," he sounds nervous, which annoys him, but yunho seems happy to be talking to him at all.  
  
"how are you?"  
  
"good, yeah, i'm," changmin can't help but stick a hand down his pants, he's hard just from hearing yunho say his name and he imagines it's yunho's hand on his. he groans.  
  
"are you okay?" yunho sounds genuinely worried.  
  
"i'm sorry yunho, i can't stop thinking about what you did, i tried and i can't, i'm sorry but it was so good and, god yes."  
  
he hears yunho inhale sharply, and feels satisfied with the fact that he caught him off guard.  
  
when yunho talks again, his voice is deeper and slower, "you liked it, huh? you liked my hand on your dick. i bet you've been touching yourself every night, changmin, just thinking about how good it was, how hard i made you come."  
  
changmin’s hand is moving faster and faster with yunho's words, and he whimpers "yes yes yes yunho, every night, i can't help it."  
  
"i know you're doing it right now, i bet it's not as good as when i did it. i'd love to get my mouth on your cock too, hear you moan my name. would you like that, changmin? do you want your cock in my mouth?"  
  
changmin moans so loud he's sure his parents can hear him, shoves his face against his pillow to stifle his noises.  
  
there's a breathless chuckle, and what sounds like buttons being pressed by yunho. yunho swears and then deepens his voice again, "that's not an answer, changmin. do you want to fuck my mouth?"  
  
he comes almost immediately, chanting yunho's name and pleads and _yes_.  
  
yunho is saying something, but changmin is still lost in his orgasm and he doesn't hear it, just barely catches the words "can't wait," so whatever he said is probably good for changmin.  
  
"thank you, yunho, but," suddenly changmin feels like he's going to be sick with the direction he's taking the conversation, "now what?"  
  
he can nearly hear yunho shrug on the other line, "changmin, just relax."  
  
it’s a horrible answer, but he doesn’t know how to tell him that. "okay. bye yunho."  
  
"bye changmin," he goes mute for a second, “don’t be too hard on yourself.”  
  
when changmin hangs up the phone, he feels a little out of breath, and manages to sleep with only one instance of waking up in a cold sweat. he counts it as a success.

 

.

 

it’s hard to see yunho the following monday. he expects him to look different somehow, maybe with a neon sign over his head that reads “ME AND CHANGMIN ARE FOOLING AROUND.”  
  
but when yunho slides into the seat next to him, there’s no sign, and there’s nobody looking at them like they know. it’s just the same smile full of sunshine, the same small wink in his direction. the only difference is that now it makes changmin turn bright red, shuffling around in his backpack for something to occupy his hands.  
  
his shaking fingers and his usual clumsiness make him drop his pen right by yunho’s foot. if yunho notices, he’s refusing to say anything, so changmin is forced to tap him on the shoulder and ask him (in a trembling voice that makes him redder than he already is) to pick up his pen.  
  
“of course, changmin,” he picks it up and gingerly hands it to changmin. their fingers brush, which must look average to anybody who doesn’t know that changmin is already hard in his pants, just from being next to yunho.  
  
yunho’s eyes dart downwards and then back up, and he smirks prettily as he settles a hand on changmin’s thigh. “is this okay?” he whispers, and changmin nods so enthusiastically it hurts his neck. yunho keeps his hand there all period.  
  
by the time they get out, changmin is so wound up he’s got sweat beading on the back of his neck and he can’t keep his hands still. he wants to touch yunho, or himself, or wants yunho to touch him. he hates that he’s reacting the way that he is, but he can’t help it: yunho has got him exactly where he wants him.  
  
he’s about to make a dash to the bathroom when yunho stops him by the door. “say, this friday, are your parents going to be home?”  
  
changmin’s mouth goes dry, despite the fact that yunho isn’t implying anything, not exactly. “no, they won’t be. they have a dinner to attend,” he chances a look at yunho’s lips, “they won’t be home until late.”  
  
“great, is it okay if i stop by?” the look in yunho’s eyes is warm and sincere.  
  
 _no,_ changmin wants to say, _get out of my life_.  
  
what he does say is, “see you then.”  
  
  
.

 

 

“this is probably a terrible idea,” changmin says, scrutinizing the small pipe yunho is currently dropping weed into.  
  
yunho looks up, eyebrows furrowing, “changmin, you know i would never try to pressure you into something you don’t want to do. just say the word and i’ll put this away, we can go play video games. this is a guilt-free zone, okay?”  
  
“i know it is, but i want to. i’m just curious i guess. it still feels like sort of, i don’t know. rebellious.” changmin follows yunho’s movements as he brings the pipe to his mouth and lights it with his other hand. he takes a deep breath and holds it in for a couple of seconds before he lets it out, and a cloud of smoke comes out with it. changmin decides, right then and there, that seeing yunho smoke is the most attractive thing he has ever seen.  
  
except when yunho starts coughing hysterically, and has to grip changmin’s shoulders to steady himself because of the force of his coughs. it makes changmin laugh, a little bit, because since yunho brought the weed and the pipe and the lighter, he’d assumed yunho had smoked at least once before. he tells him such, and yunho gives him a rueful shake of the head all while coughing.  
  
“i got this from my friend yoochun,” yunho informs changmin after his fit has subsided. he hands the pipe to changmin, who takes it with shaking hands.  
  
“i’m sorry, i don’t know how to—” changmin starts, and yunho leans over to him, places the pipe between his lips, and lights it for him.  
  
“breathe in, and then hold it, okay?” yunho is so close that changmin almost forgets to do as he’s told, and when he does he takes a breath that was probably too big if the burning in his throat is anything to go by.  
  
he holds it in for what feels like ten minutes, but is probably more like ten seconds. yunho is cheering loudly, saying nonsensical declarations about how great changmin is. changmin gives in to the scratchy feeling in his throat, finally releasing a thick billow of smoke. he ends up just like yunho, having a coughing fit twice as embarrassing. he notices yunho takes two more hits while he’s recovering, and he wonders if maybe he should take another hit so he won’t seem like a loser.  
  
“do you feel any different?” yunho asks. changmin means to say that he feels exactly the same, except yunho’s face looks so soft and wonderful, and changmin wants to run his fingers all over it, so he does. he never realized yunho was so spectacular in the way there was always rays of happiness beaming out of him the way they are now, illuminating him in a golden aura.  
  
“i feel heavy,” changmin says, and collapses onto yunho. he loves everything right now, the entire universe is open to him and wow, his hands are big. he puts his giant, strange looking hands all over yunho’s chest and laughs.  
  
“changmin?”  
  
“oh my _god_ , what are hands? what are they?” he chuckles to himself, “i want waffles so bad right now.”  
  
yunho, on his part, looks like he’s having the time of his life watching changmin open his mouth repeatedly, make loud noises, because it honestly feels like he’s experiencing his body for the first time. “so you’re a little high, changmin,” yunho tries to move him upright, but changmin only settles on his chest further.  
  
“i’m not high, _you’re_ high. i’m fine. i’m low, which is, you know. the opposite of high. i’m okay,” changmin finally gets up off of yunho, “we should kiss.”  
  
“now, changmin, we’re both pretty high right now, i’m not sure if it’s such a good idea, i don’t want to take advantage of you—”  
  
“i can show you advantage, i have all the advantage, watch this,” and then he grasps yunho’s face and kisses him messily. his tongue is soft and wow, changmin likes touching it with his own. he could probably eat yunho’s tongue if that wasn’t such a weird thought. it tastes like candy and beauty and the sound of waterfalls.  
  
changmin can’t stop thinking while they’re making out. how does yunho get his tongue to be so great? he must have been one of those annoying kids who could tie a cherry stem into a knot with just his tongue. what an asshole.  
  
“can you tie a cherry stem into a knot with your tongue?” he says as he pulls back. changmin hadn’t realized it, but they were kissing for a pretty long time. yunho is taking large gulps of air.  
  
“wha—what, yes i can, why are you asking me that?”  
  
“you’re an asshole! oh my god. wow. yunho, how are you so bright? you’re just—you’re sunshine, you. teach me how to be sunshine.”  
  
changmin sees yunho is looking at him with those cute eyes, looking at changmin like he’s something fragile. “why are you looking at me like that? what happened? i just want to be like you. if i could be like you maybe i could like me too,” he starts feeling saddened with the way yunho is looking at him, “i don’t want to be rainclouds anymore.”  
  
yunho reaches out and kisses changmin gently, kindly. it feels too real for changmin. “will you do what you said on the phone? i want to—i’m sorry. will you?”  
  
“okay, changmin, okay, it’s okay. lie back.”  
  
there’s only a momentary lapse when changmin doesn’t know if he wants this, but the second he feels yunho’s lips on his neck, it’s thrown out the window. if he closes his eyes, he doesn’t have to think about it.  
  
yunho’s mouth on him is wet and delicious and changmin had no idea anything in the world could ever feel this good. wow, it's the best thing in the world. changmin kind of wants to build a shrine to it and dedicate his life to studying it.  
  
“wow you—wow, wow, oh my god this is the best thing ever. never stop, literally keep doing this forever because holy _shit_ ,” he thinks he can feel yunho laughing, which claims the spot of greatest event to ever happen, besides this whole thing. changmin never thought he would ever get to feel a mouth on his dick, to feel laughter around his dick feels like a fucking gift.  
  
he groans, long and loud, says “yunho, fuck, this is so good, you’re so good, i’m gonna come,” changmin wants to punch himself so fucking hard, why is he going to come so early, can’t he for once do this right. yunho sucks harder, and then changmin comes down his throat.  
  
“oh my god. where did it go. i felt it come out, yunho, i swear,” changmin stammers when yunho comes back up and kisses him hard. his tongue is bitter now, and _oh_ changmin gets it.  
  
“you’re, you know,” changmin mumbles. he’s so tired. he wants to take a nap. yunho smells so good. “you know, you’re awesome. you rock. you’re just sunshine, you.”  
  
the last thing he sees is yunho covering him in blankets with a small grin on his face.

 

.

 

there’s somebody tapping changmin on the shoulder. he doesn’t want to get up at all, not even a little bit. he kind of wants to sleep for the rest of his life.  
  
“changmin,” yunho whispers. changmin startles awake at the unfamiliar voice. when he blinks in the brightness of his room, yunho smiles. “morning, sunshine. i’m gonna head out, okay? i wanted to wake you up and say goodbye.”  
  
changmin nods, and without thinking pecks yunho on the lips. he freezes minutely as he realizes what he did, but tries to play it off by sticking his tongue in yunho’s mouth, dirty and meaningless.  
  
“see you soon, yunho,” changmin calls out when yunho’s back is to him.  
  
“you can count on it.”

 

.

 

“what character do you want to be, changmin?” yunho asks.  
  
changmin looks at him curiously, “why, so you can steal it?”  
  
“no, so i can make sure you get the exact character that you want!”  
  
yunho is the worst mario kart player ever, it turns out, but changmin always lets him win a couple of times just to see his face light up like he’s won the lottery, and not a video game for children. as changmin purposefully drives into a line of banana peels, he wonders when this became his life.  
  
“so homecoming is next friday,” yunho mentions. changmin looks at the calendar on his right to see that, in fact, homecoming is coming up. he feels like it’s been a lot longer than the actual month since he and yunho had started doing, whatever. at some point, it started feeling familiar yet oddly nerve-wracking.  
  
“that’s true.”  
  
yunho pauses the game and asks, “do you wanna go with me?” his voice is full of hope and pleasantness.  
  
“what—with, with you? yunho, we’re two guys, we can’t do that.”  
  
yunho looks at him disapprovingly, “you can’t tell me you seriously believe all that. that’s ancient history, nobody believes that junk anymore.”  
  
“well i do,” changmin already has a sense that this whole conversation was a bad idea, something that shouldn’t have been brought up yet—the secrecy of their relationship (or whatever). “i don’t want people to see me with you, no offense or anything.” he stares harder at the television simply to avoid looking yunho in the eyes.  
  
“you have got to be kidding me, changmin. look, i try to respect you and all your weird quirks, but come on. i’ve been giving you head and handjobs and that _one time_ that i—”  
  
“okay, okay, so what? yunho, no. my answer is no. i don’t want to go with you, because i don’t like you like that and i don’t want to be seen with you and i just. okay. i’m not going with you. it’s disgusting and it’ll never happen, okay? give it a rest.”  
  
yunho now looks upset, which makes changmin angry at himself for putting that look on his face. “changmin, it’s been a month. please.”  
  
“it’s never going to happen.”  
  
“why are you scared? are you scared that people will know that you’re gay? you’re scared people will know that we’re doing things they think we shouldn’t be? why do you care about what people think, changmin?”  
  
changmin takes a deep breath and tries to settle his trembling hands. he doesn’t want to cry in front of yunho. he counts to three. “all i have is people’s opinions of me. without that, i’m nothing. i wouldn’t expect you to understand, since everybody loves you and you’ve never had so much a single doubt or sad feeling in your life. you’re a fucking robot, yunho, all you ever do is smile and i’m—i’m sick of it. the nerve of you to criticize me for caring about what people think when you don’t even know what it’s like to feel bad. you’re an asshole, yunho, you’re a self-entitled fucking _asshole_.”  
  
yunho is silent.  
  
“i think i should leave,” changmin sighs. he wishes yunho would stop him, but he doesn’t. he nods his head and wipes his eyes and makes changmin feel like an idiot. changmin isn’t about to stop himself, give in like that. he walks out the door and thinks he hears yunho sobbing.

 

.

 

when changmin was six he had a pet goldfish named dorothy that he couldn’t stand. he’d always wanted a dog, had practiced walking all of his stuffed animals on leashes. so when he got a fish, he hated it.  
  
“this fish is dumb and boring,” he’d say. he used to talk about giving it away, and that he couldn’t wait until it died, would throw a party on that day.  
  
that is, until it actually died, and changmin couldn’t stop his tears for two hours straight. it made changmin sleep in the backyard for three days so he would never have anything to lose again. he came in on the third day because he ran out of toilet paper. his mother cried.  
  
that’s what changmin is thinking about when yunho sits next to him the monday after their fight.  
  
the entire weekend had been hellish for changmin, waiting for his phone to ring or standing on his stairs with his fingers hovering over yunho’s name in his contacts. he couldn’t sleep more than an hour a night, and yunho looked no better.  
  
it made changmin angry that he was doing so badly without yunho. there’s no reason for him to be dependent on a guy he only used for sex, so he doesn’t understand why it feels like half of his heart is broken. he figures it must be the fact that yunho was his friend, before anything else.  
  
halfway through the lesson, yunho passes changmin a note that reads, “meet me by the dumpsters after school.”  
  
part of changmin wants to throw away the note, or simply ignore it, or tell yunho he’s going and then not show up. but yunho makes eye contact with him, and looks so genuinely mournful that changmin ends up writing “okay” on the paper and handing it back to him.

 

.

 

“so what now, are you here to try to convince me to go with you? the answer is still no,” changmin remarks when he gets to the dumpsters. he wonders where all this anger towards yunho came from. it sort of feels like it’s been there from the start, boiling until something made him snap. he still feels like a jerk, though.  
  
“changmin, i’m sorry.”  
  
“you’re—wait, what? you’re sorry,” changmin starts squirming uncomfortably. he’s hoping yunho won’t come closer, but he’s sort of hoping he will, because he kind of wants to hug yunho’s sadness away.  
  
“i am. i shouldn’t have tried to push you into something like that, i just felt,” yunho takes a careful step forward, and then goes back, “i wanted to go with you, that’s all. i’m sorry that i made you uncomfortable, i’m sorry i don’t understand how you feel. so, right now, changmin, i’d just like to ask you out on a private homecoming. at my house, with pizza.”  
  
changmin can’t help but smile at yunho, because if he’s being honest with himself, he would take any excuse to melt away his anger into his usual attraction. “what makes it a homecoming though? that just sounds like a normal night at your house.”  
  
“well there is one condition,” yunho does get closer this time, without touching changmin, just fixing him with a solid, joyous gaze, “you have to dress up”

 

.

 

on friday, changmin finds that he’s legitimately nervous for he and yunho’s private homecoming. well, more nervous than he usually is about things involving yunho.  
  
he has to buy a clip-on tie after failing to tie one himself, and doesn’t have any dress shoes besides the ones he used for his kindergarten graduation. running a hand through his hair and glancing at his sneakers, changmin feels ridiculously stupid, but also giddy.  
  
he asks his father to take him to yunho’s house, says that yunho will be taking him and his (completely made up) date to the actual dance. changmin is shaking so hard when they pull up in front of yunho’s house and his dad actually stops him from leaving, tells him tersely, “son, don’t be nervous. you’re a charming young lad. please don’t be nervous. your mother and i will be home late tonight.”  
  
the walk to yunho’s door feels horrible and unnerving. twice, changmin almost runs away. as soon as he knocks, he’s certain that he looks horrible, that yunho will never hook up with him again, that yunho is going to open the door with a pretty girl on his arm and changmin’s secret out to anyone.  
  
yunho answers the door alone, looking breathtaking in a pressed button up, dress pants, and polished shoes. he tells changmin, “you look lovely, would you like some pizza?” and follows changmin into the living room.  
  
it’s not that changmin was expecting something special, but he almost wants to say “i knew it” at the way the room looks. yunho lit up candles and scattered them around along with rose petals, put on soft music, and laid out a blanket in the middle of the floor. on the blanket are two cups of soda and a pizza. begrudgingly and privately, changmin thinks it’s sort of the most romantic thing that anyone has ever done for him. the blinds on every window are closed, and changmin feels like he can maybe relax tonight.  
  
“yunho this is,” changmin feels his eyes watering and rubs angrily at them, “thank you. so much.”  
  
“all for you, sunshine,” yunho says, and of course, he pulls out a rose from behind his back and hands it to changmin. it pricks him on the finger and yunho kisses away the blood, and changmin actually wants to cry now.  
  
they eat pizza slowly and silently, taking each other in. when they’re done, they talk about school and music; yunho puts his hand on changmin’s, and changmin lets it stay there despite his growing nervousness. hours pass, changmin hears the nearby high school students arrive at their houses from the dance, can imagine every house’s lights shutting off and every resident heading to sleep. his eyes feel heavy, and yunho’s hand feels heavy too, but he doesn’t want to hurt yunho’s feelings by pushing it away.  
  
“come on, changmin, let’s go to the park.”  
  
“it’s one o’clock in the morning.”  
  
“exactly, no one will be there. it’s perfect.”  
  
true to yunho’s words, there’s no one there, not even a car passing it. the entire community is still with the weariness of fall. changmin almost feels at peace there, sitting on the swings next to yunho. he wonders if this is what it’s like to be okay, to be even a little happy. he doesn’t realize he’d voiced his worries aloud, and yunho replies, “i don’t know. is it?”  
  
“maybe one day,” changmin replies lowly. yunho gets up and hands changmin a small cardboard crown. “what is this?”  
  
“we’re homecoming kings. as your king, may i have this dance?”  
  
and changmin looks around, is terrified that someone will see them. there’s still nobody around. there’s nothing to interrupt them.  
  
yunho places his right hand on changmin’s shoulder, and grabs changmin’s own hand with his other. he directs changmin’s remaining shaky hand to his hip. “is this okay?” he whispers. changmin nods.  
  
there’s no music to dance to, and changmin doesn’t know how to lead, so it ends up being awkward and strange but still beautiful to him, somehow. the street lights are dim, and he can barely make out yunho’s face in the night. there are crickets chirping in the distance, changmin thinks he stepped on a piece of gum while they were walking over, but for a second, it feels perfect.  
  
there is still a gnawing in his throat, an instinct telling him to push yunho away. he stifles it as best as he can, but not even the way yunho smiles has got him completely at ease.  
  
“i’m sorry i have to keep it all a secret,” changmin knocks his forehead against yunho’s lightly, “i’m terrified. i am. i couldn’t ever tell you why, though. i was born terrified and i’m trying, i am, but it’s hard and i’m sorry. i feel like you deserve better than that.”  
  
“everybody deserves good things, changmin,” yunho whispers, “and you’re a good thing. i deserve you just like you deserve me. i know now, that you’re a lot more complicated than i ever thought. but i’m not giving up on you. i like this, even if it has to be a secret.”  
  
“i think...i like you,” changmin says, and he actually needs to sit down on the swing because it makes him feel dizzy and terrible. yunho rubs his back, adjusts the crown on his head. changmin starts dry heaving and actually feels like he’s dying. he doesn’t think he’s ever felt so absolutely awful in his entire life.  
  
yunho doesn’t seem completely appalled by the turn of events, just content drawing soothing patterns on changmin as he tries to keep his food down. he realizes he’s crying, hard and loudly, and gripping yunho’s jacket tightly. it takes some time before the dry heaving stops, and the transition to hyperventilating isn’t exactly pleasant, but it is better.  
  
changmin realizes, through the fog of anxiety and need to vomit, that yunho had been talking to him the whole time. it takes all of his concentration to catch a small snippet.  
  
“it’s okay,” yunho is saying. he then tilts changmin’s head up, kisses him gently, and changmin doesn’t try to deepen it, “it’ll be okay.”  
  
and the odd thing is, changmin actually believes him.

  
.


End file.
